Dec 16 2008
nightlife etiquette
As with most things in life, I’ve determined there are several different types of people who drink. On most occasions, in the world of serving, these people can be classified into two groups. Tippers, and non-tippers. Some people say that tipping is an optional courtesy. I’m not sure if they realize that most servers make barely legal wages (less than $3 an hour in most places!) So, the next time you go out think about how you would feel if you had to work for someone who didn’t pay you. That’s how I feel about serving people who do not tip me. It’s pretty much an insult, and when you come back for a refill I’m not as motivated to provide that same service as I would be if I had gotten paid for the last time I did. Ya dig?
Money is not the only motivator when it comes to serving. There are certain drinking no no’s I will share with you, that will make everyone’s experience a little more enjoyable.
1. Women are not excluded from tipping. Your drink took the same amount of effort as the guy before you.
2. Do not whistle to get a bartenders attention. That will get you ignored.
3. Do not ask how much a drink costs. That makes you look cheap and idiotic.
4. Do not call the bar and ask for someone who’s supposed to be there drinking.
4a. I don’t have time to look for your boyfriend
4b. I will tell you he’s not there even if he is and that will just cause bigger problems than you already have.
5. Last call means last call. Get your ass to the bar because if you wait for another ten minutes you’re not getting anything.
5a. do not argue or beg for a drink after we quit serving. I know we might be friends but they stop serving for a reason. It’s against the law to do it after that time.
6. Don’t lean over the bar and wave money around. I’m not a stripper. I’ll get to you when it’s your turn. Damn.
7. When the lights come on, that means it’s time to go. The bar has to be closed with everyone outside by a certain time or it gets fined. So go already.
8. Nobody is allowed to smoke inside. Period. I’m not allowed to tell you it’s ok if you do, so don’t ask.
9. Don’t ask for extra liquor in your drink unless you want to pay for it. Don’t do it.
10. THIS IS MOST IMPORTANT. Bartenders are friendly people by nature. I will smile at you and make small talk if it isn’t busy. This does not mean I want to have sex with you. If you see me being friendly with other people do not assume I’m having sex with them. Most importantly, don’t spread ridiculous rumors it only pisses people off and makes you look like an idiot.
Miss Nataley! I wish I had your stories! I mean, holy shit! They are hilarious! I mean, I guess if I started to write about my stories from the bar, I could maybe find the same humor, but you just have a technique for writing! Love it mama! I was reading your stories out loud to someone and she was CRACKING up! She thought they were the funniest things EVER!! hahahaha. OMG, keep me laughing woman!
Thanks Amay! I’m glad somebody finally gets me!!
Nataley,
This is SOOOO not fair!
I mean, I’ll be the first one to tip the hell outta ya…. But in return, you’ll have to remember a few things:
1. Please don’t tell anyone I had sex with the hottest guy in the bar. He really wasn’t that good and probably gave me an STD anyway. Lastly, his wife would be pissed. Although I think I could take her, it would mean having to grab a handful of that crunchy trailer park hair — and you KNOW how I feel about THAT!
2. When Momma orders a Sky and Cranberry — Just remember that I don’t like cranberry AND that I’m tipping the hell out of you. It’s not gonna wear out your arm to dump a little more in. Although, I guess the way I drink — It might! On second thought, scratch that — I gotta drive home from this grain bin, unless, of course the hot guy wants to ditch his wife again…… ?
3. LOL @ Last Call! Everyone knows it’s only last call if you’ve pissed the bartender off by whistling to get her attention. Frankly, I MUCH prefer to scream, “NURSE!!!!” While I’m slapping my arm with two fingers like my I.V. has run dry… It’s usually, WAY more effective than whistling anyway…..
4. Waving money around — LOL — you might not be a stripper, but I’ve seen some bartenders do some NASTY things in my bar… For less than a twenty…
5. As for people that call the bar looking for their boyfriend — ok… For starters, he’s still handcuffed to my bed. Secondly, hang up the damn phone and get my drink, biatch! I’ve been standing here screaming “NURSE!!!” and waiving a 20 at you for like 20 minutes… Who’s a guy gotta blow to get a damn drink in this bar anyway?
6. You’re absolutley correct about the cheap idiot that asks how much a drink is up there. For starters, it doesn’t really matter — Drinking is pretty much the only way to deal with living there! Besides that, it’s a waste of precious seconds you COULD be using to get a drink for the crazy queer at the other end of the bar that’s been screaming “NURSE!!! I’M DRY!!” and waving a 20 dollar bill around in the air for the last 30 freakin’ minutes!
7. As far as the cheap women that refuse to tip the bartender…. I really can’t imagine that there’s a good reason to have them in the bar anyway… I mean seriously, aside from wiping down the tables and emptying the ashtrays outside — and even those tasks could be completed successfully by a cute, buff, shirtless man working the room for tips…. Often called strippers…(Just a thought…)
On the other hand — Little Wye Wye needs to go to college…. so, ya’ll better start tippin’ her or she’ll spit in your drink! And don’t be adding it to your credit card tab either…. Be a man and go to the ATM or compensate her for the taxes she had to claim b/c you’re a dumbass!