bartenderbaby

During the cold months you can usually find me bundled up in a blanket sipping hot chocolate with my thermostat set around 73 degrees. I don’t even hate winter, I actually like it for the most part, I just try to avoid things like frostbite and chapped lips. This year, however, I’ve been venturing out into the snow for some winter time fun. I take my son out to play, we throw snowballs, build snowmen and forts, sled and drink hot chocolate. I even went ice fishing with my dad for the first time last week.

The snow plows in town pile up all the snow from the town square in one corner lot and with all the snow we got the last couple days, that pile turned into a mountain. Last night after work, J and I decided to take couple of the huge serving trays out of the kitchen and went sledding. It was crazy fun. I think the bottoms of the trays were all greased up because they really fly in the snow. I got all banged up from hitting the pavement pretty hard a couple times and J took a good blow to the knee, but we still had an awesome time. I think there might be a repeat performance again tonight.

Pretty much I’ve just been enjoying myself this season. That is until this morning. On my way to work I slid off the road and got stuck in the snow. My 4 wheel drive (which I swear by) wasn’t even enough to save my ass from the ditch. Fortunately for me two very nice gentlemen in a sturdy truck stopped and pulled my car out. Before that I called my hubby to come rescue me and when I called to tell him not to worry about it he informed me that on his way to my aid he had gotten stuck in our driveway. HA. I turned home to help him out and when I got to the driveway I proceeded to turn in and got stuck right beside him. Ahh what a morning.

We both got out unscathed eventually, but it was enough. I’m ready for a few beers and looking forward to tearing up a steep parking lot mountain.

Karaoke. That’s right, karaoke. A bartender’s worst nightmare. There’s nothing I dread more than being sober and listening to twelve barely legal little girls screaming into 3 microphones to some insanely annoying song like Love Shack by the B52s. Or better yet, there are the karaoke kings who follow the DJ every week to a different bar to sing the same songs they’ve been singing for the last 10 years. Friends in Low Places by Garth Brooks, that Kid Rock song that everyone hates, or some other sappy country crap (take your pick). These guys make me want to pull my hair out. They’re local celebrities (just ask em they’ll tell ya).

Last week was my week to work karaoke night. All the kings were there and so were the girls. I listened to their rendition of Love Shack twice and Friends in Low Places a record number of six times! There was also a highly intoxicated woman in her early thirties that sang Crazy Bitch by Buck Cherry. (if you know the lyrics to this song you can imagine the response she got from all the single horny karaoke kings.) That was the highlight of my night. I got 3 1/2 minutes of amusement out of her.

The best (and by best I mean not awful.) performance of the evening belongs to a gal that came in, ordered a scotch on the rocks, (already I can tell I like her.) and goes up to the DJ to whisper in his ear. He hands her the wireless microphone, she shuts her eyes and sings Don’t Stop Believing by Journey. (This is my favorite song to sing along to and when it comes on the jukebox I belt it out as loud as I want and I don’t care who hears.) The mystery girl finishes my song, brings her empty glass to the bar and leaves. She didn’t even take her coat off. 

It was one of those weird moments where you feel like you could be living in a scene of a movie. I mean it would probably be one of those tragically sad indie films with a stupid ending that makes you wonder why you just wasted two hours of your life watching trash….but a movie nonetheless.

A few weeks ago I was called to give testimony on an incident that happened nearly two months ago. Today I woke up at the ass crack of dawn after a long night of work and made my way down to the county courthouse. I arrived at 8:00 am and waited for an hour for someone to come out and say it would be at least another two hours before they needed me. Annoying, but not unbearable.

The rest of the witnesses and I went down to the local cafe for a bite and a bev. We waited our allotted time and arrived back to court bellies full and ready to start. I sat down and watched the clock tick…I watched the clock tick by 60 times. That’s right I waited another hour. Then they started calling in witnesses. I was the last to go (of course!) and by the time I had finished I was nearly five hours into my day.

They asked us to wait until they had reached a verdict to leave and how long did it take them? Another hour. That’s right. I spent a total of 6 Fing hours on a hard bench in the courthouse to give 5 minutes worth of testimony which ended up making not one bit of difference anyway. Where’s the justice in that?

Is there a lesson to this story?  YES. Do not wear loud shoes. Nothing is more annoying than the clickety clack of some perky little receptionist’s heals as she flits from one office to the other on the hideous marble floor put there for the sole purpose of making me CRAZY!

January has brought a bout of winter weather to the area that has been unmatched for the last 10 years. We have snow, below zero temperatures, and winds that are strong enough to knock the wind out of you. The perfect combination of elements to bring out all the snowmobilers in the area.

 There are dozens of these guys riding over the terrain and at the end of the day(light) they ride themselves up to the back door and stop in for an ice cold beverage. (The laws on recreational vehicles aren’t particularly enforced to the letter around here.) On nights like these, snowmobilers are the only customers I have because nobody else wants to brave the wind chill for a beer. (Not that I can blame them.)

In walks 10 wind beaten, snow covered, tired and thirsty little riders. They all order the same kind of tall draft beers. As I scramble around to deliver their drinks, everyone pays for his own beer and not one single asshole tips me. (If any of you jerks are reading this please refer to my previous blog entitled “Nightlife etiquette”.)

Anyway, right after they leave I hear some commotion outside and go to the door to check it out. I see some idiot doing some doughnuts in the town square on a snowmobile with the town cop sitting directly across the street. Sure enough the lights flash on and the rider takes off down the middle of the street. He cuts over the sidewalk, slams into some snow-covered obstruction and flies from his seat over the front of the sled. He scrambles back into place and takes off like a bat out of hell into the dark.

Obviously the cop didn’t catch him. He didn’t really care I don’t think, he just wanted to scare the little jerk. Is there a moral to this story? Always tip your bartender. You never know what sort of karmic retribution awaits…it may be a mouthful of snow. 

If you have ever been to a bar I’m sure you’ve seen the golden tee machine in the corner. (there’s one in every establishment.) If you haven’t played the game, you should. Not only is it fun, but it’s funny to watch other people play.

You can tell the difference between an experienced “player” and a novice almost right away. The experienced golden tee’r will change clubs twice, take into account the direction of the wind, the slope of the green, and even change their players clothes. Then they tee off so vigorously, the machine will shake on impact. The not-so-experienced players will use whatever club was given them and just spin the ball. (This is how I play.)

I was working the other day and a group of guys were playing this game. They were drinking draft beer, watching football, and all were wearing a sports jersey of some kind. They were the epitome of manly men, jocks, or whatever else you want to call them. All were “experienced” golden tee’rs and as one guy in particular tee’d off, I noticed he really whacked the ball every time. No sooner had I made my observation did he tee off and as his hand came into contact with the screen, he cried out…nothing discernible but some mild profanities.

I took a closer look after he calmed down and I had gotten him some ice. His hand was on it’s way to being twice the size of the other and a definite shade of purple was starting to spread across the heel. I felt a twinge of pity for the guy as his taunting friends tried to get him to shake it off and stay. I have to admit it was pretty funny at the time, but now I just feel bad for the poor guy that got his ass kicked by a video game.

Things that I love

-Campfires. I love snuggling up to my hubby with a blanket sipping some wine and watching stuff burn.

-Drinking. Red wine, dirty grey goose martinis, vanilla vodka with Sunkist, Leinenkugel berry Weiss, and Coors light on draft are my favorites in that order.

-Hanging out with my toddler, watching him learn new things every day.

-Girls days out with A & A. Chipotle, movies, and shopping. Does it get any better?

-Wintertime fun with my family. Sledding, snowmen, snowball fights, red cheeks, cold fingers and hot chocolate.

-Rachel Ray. I love those 30 minute meals. (they take me longer than 30 minutes but I still love em.)

-Card games and Billiards

-The new Mariah Carey perfume. I bought it for my sister for Christmas but it’s so great that I sneak it every day.  (she’s gonna be so pissed at me when she reads this because she hates it when I use her stuff.) HAHA

-Lip Gloss. Your lips can never be too shiny or too moist.

-Meditation. (I’m trying it to see if I can ease up on my angry outbursts…see previous post)

-My life in general. I know this sounds totally mushy, but I couldn’t ask for a better family. They fill my days with love, fun, and laughter. Yes, we all get stressed at times and every day isn’t the best of days but we keep loving each other through the rain and when the sun shines again, our lives seem even brighter than before.

I am so so so tired of all the conservative jerks that I encounter every day with some negative opinion about our president elect. When they aren’t complaining about not being able to smoke up our oxygen, they’re talking about how much trouble we’re in for now that Obama is taking over.

Ann Coulter “America’s conservative” says that our criminal problems are to be blamed on single mothers because the majority of convicts in our prison systems come from broken homes. Well, I guess she didn’t bother to find out that the majority of homes in the U.S. are broken! The majority of people EVERYWHERE come from broken homes. There’s hypocrisy on all sides!

News flash- Our country didn’t get in dire straits over night. You can blame your precious George W. for our problems as of now. Not to mention Bill Clinton, who was so busy trying not to get impeached by a bunch of conservative jerks that he didn’t do us any favors either.

So, it’s been a work in progress for several years. There’s blame to be passed around all over. Everyone’s done their share to make problems for us. What to do now, except move forward? Quit blaming and start changing. We can do it. Yes we can.

Things that annoy me:

-Chapped lips. What the hell did people do before chap-stick?

-Getting old/fat. I want to fit my ass into the cute green dress but I just can’t do it. I can’t.

-Burning the roof of my mouth on hot ass pizza. Then for like a week you can’t eat anything because it hurts.

-Being sick with a cold. (often accompanied by chapped lips.) double whammy.

-People with shitty attitudes. Everyone hates you, it’s not just me.

-Wine mixed with sprite. Sick.

-Adult acne. You’re ruining my life.

-Surveys on myspace.

Generally speaking, I try not to blog while in a shitty mood because I’ll get over it and feel bad about being a negative Nancy later. I might write something nice and uplifting tomorrow you never know. Being a woman is tricky business.

I actually had a fantastic new year. I worked, but everyone wore their fancy pants and party hats, we toasted champagne at midnight and generally just rocked out. A good time was had by all to be sure. Then I woke up.

January 2. This is the crappiest day of the year by far. It’s like coming back from vacation and you’re all jet lagged and shit. Inevitably, this is the day that you’re abnormally busy at work, or everybody wants you to do something for them. A big reality slap in the face.

I work a full day today, 15 hours all together. There’s supposed to be a band tonight so by the end of it I’m sure I’ll be ready for a cocktail. OK I probably won’t wait until the end but that’s neither here nor there. It’s also my boss’s birthday. He cracks me up though because while I was complaining earlier he says “Yeah January 2nd is like partying all night until you can hear the birds chirping and start to see the sun rise, and then realizing that you  have to be at work in like an hour.” HA!

So, I’m going in to work in a few hours. We’ve been practicing flaming shots, and I’ve only caught one guy’s thumb on fire so far. (that was pretty much his own fault though.) I’ll let you know how it goes.