Another fun filled weekend at the bar. Apparently, it was THE weekend to hostess a bachelorette and/or birthday party complete with party bus and inflatable man doll. There were a total of 5 party buses and 1 party van that stopped in on Saturday night. All of which were…you guessed it bachelorette and birthday parties. Two of the guests of honor were there at the same time and happened to know each other which only gave them another reason to drink “ANOTHER SHOT!!”

These crazy girls were so hammered that my co-workers and I took bets on which one would fall over first. Number one was clad in a mini skirt with high heels and a beautiful tiara which read the words “Birthday Bitch” in multi-hued gemstones. Our second lady’s ensemble was similar in that she had as much, if not more skin showing as the “birthday bitch”. Her headgear was a little more fancy as it had a veil attached, however the tiny penises sewn into the fabric didn’t give quite the glamour as the sparkly dirty worded tiara.

In the end I lost the bet on which girl would fall first. Birthday bitch and penis hair were equally as clumsy as the night wore on and they were neck and neck in the race to face planting on the stairs when they ran into each other. They both held steady but the damn inflatable man flew through the air and tripped good old dirty D. His legs twisted around phallus frank the man doll and they ended up on the floor in a pretty compromising position. At least he still has his dignity.

Things I’ve done so far this month: (in no particular order)

 Played Super Mario Bros. (old school) for four hours straight.

Cleaned out all my old pots for new spring plants.

Fell off the no red meat wagon.

Sang Crazy Rap by Afro-man on Karaoke night.

Ate three boxes of girl scout cookies.

Saved a worm from an untimely death at the hand, or shoe, of a 3 year old (Who was convinced it was a snake.)

I think that’s pretty much it. It’s been a rather uneventful month, hence the lack of blogs to entertain you, my faithful reader.

Sometimes, I just rant to rant. It lets me get some steam out, because nobody wants to hear people complain in person. Just because I say a conservative was an asshole to me, it doesn’t mean I hate all conservatives. Same goes for smokers, freaks, and hoes.

This blog is my outlet and own personal form of therapy. It works for me, and when I’m ranting about one person or another I never use names…because I’m not a bitch. (and also, because I don’t have the kind of mug that can take a hit and make it look cool. That’s my money maker, I can’t be pissing people off and showing up at work looking like Rhianna, you know what I’m saying?) 

 If you’re lucky enough to know about my writing,  just appreciate that. If you piss me off, then you should fully expect to be anonymously trashed on the internet. That is the advantage of blogging. If you don’t like it, write a blog about how much of a dick this girl you know is….and then let it go.

So I walk into work the other day only to be greeted by yet another drunk, ridiculous, redneck and his “Obama’s taking our rights away” notions. So I voice my opinion (which favors more on the democratic side) and he says that he’s leaving. “I didn’t come in here to listen to this crap.” So I tell him goodbye and thanks for coming in. (my reply, while polite, was actually layered thickly with sarcasm…imagine that)

Now his equally intoxicated lady friend (and I use the term lady loosely) steps in and says to me, or slurs really, “Are you stupid?” Which, coming from this woman caught me completely by surprise. I ignored her but she continues on to say “Yer the rudest waitress I ever had, you fat f***ing cow.” I tell her it’s time to go. We argue a little before she finally pulls herself out of her seat only to reveal a Nascar t-shirt paired with the tightest, whitewashed, high-waisted jeans I have seen since 1987.

They stumble to the door, she turns around, scowls at me for a second, and then flicks me off with both hands… I waved and said “Have a nice night!” Just as she was pulled out the front door.

This is really the only part of the job I absolutely hate. Why can’t everyone just go out and have a good time? What is it about alcohol that makes some people think it’s OK to behave like an asshole? And most importantly, what would make a middle aged woman think it’s OK to wear the same jeans she wore, back when she still lived in her momma’s trailer?

My semi-serious boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years. I love him a lot and could see us having a future together if it weren’t for the fact that his mother is the ultimate mega-beast bitch. She’s so nasty that I have seriously considered ending the relationship for good with my boyfriend because of the way she treats me. I don’t want to, but I don’t know how much more I can take from her. Any thoughts?

-Lost in love

Dear Lost,

Believe it or not, hating your in-laws is common. I know my husband wasn’t very fond of my mother at first, it was so bad that I had to confront her about her behavior and ignore her phone calls for three months before she got the hint. When she realized that I was serious she eased up on the hubby and we were home free from then on in the in-law department. I don’t know how your boyfriend feels about it, does he know you’re at your wits end with mommy dearest? If not, you need to put your feelings out on front street. If she’s still an asshole after boyfriend talks to her and all else fails, spray-paint some profanities in her yard, it’ll be at least a month or two before she can mow it out and you’ll get a chuckle out of it every time you see the dirty beast.

Happy painting!

Nataley

It was a pretty slow night. Some of our friends were there, and only a few people I didn’t know. One of the kids (who was very obviously drunk.) was intent on playing pool. He swaggers up to the bar and says “Hey, how much are quarters?” to which the bartender replied without skipping a beat “They’re 75 cents for 3.” That conversation in itself was enough to raise my spirits for the evening.

Time flew by for the rest of the night. Toward the end (about two hours later) that same kid who was drunk when I got there, waddles over to our group and says to my friend J (who is also a bartender there) Will you make me a drink? She tells him that she’s not working, but B (who is working) will make his drink. He turns to look at the bar, turns back and says I don’t want B to make it, I want you to. You make them good-er.

No shit. I know I’m not a grammatical genius, but this guy made me laugh. We still joke about it at the bar. 

Before this week I was fully set to give up alcohol for lent. Unfortunately, some shit went down on the home-front recently that has severely depleted my patience stock and has therefore driven me to drinking. HA. Red meat it is.

I get there and immediately notice the bar is completely remodeled. Only a vague inclination of what my favorite weekend home used to be. Disappointing, but not intolerable. I settle in and wait for the fun to begin.

I fully expected a great show and great people. What I got was a mediocre performance which included two or three kids singing along to songs played by a DJ. (a.k.a. KARAOKE!) and some real assholes for “fans”.  I have to hand it to the performers, though, because they actually had enough balls to pass off their little “gig” as a real show and even charged a cover!

I did end up seeing a couple of people I hadn’t seen in a long time, but they were both the type of acquaintance that you wouldn’t approach right away because you can’t remember exactly how you know them…By the end of the night I witnessed two blood spattered people being escorted out and three police officers wielding mace and big black batons just waiting for an opportunity to use them. Hardly the nostalgic fun filled night I was looking forward to.

I’ve put some feelers out to my friends and some other people on the idea of an advice section and have only gotten positive responses so far, so here is my official public announcement… I’ve put an advice category in my blog. I’m not anywhere near qualified in the therapy department, but I love hearing other people’s questions and problems and I love LOVE telling people what to do. (my sister is nodding furiously in agreement at that statement.)

If you have a topic for discussion or any random question in general, you may leave it in a comment here, or you can email it privately to me with ask Nataley as the topic so it doesn’t get discarded and I will do my best to answer. I can’t wait to hear all the crazy stuff you guys can come up with!!

J and I started out ourselves and were later joined by a couple of onlookers who were then joined by a few more spectators. After they saw how much fun we were having everyone decided to have a go. J got down to the bottom and instead of carrying her makeshift sled (a.k.a. serving trays from the bar) back to the top she just winged it like  a Frisbee to one of our bosses who was a little on the tipsy side anyway. He caught it right in the manhood and fell backward to roll/fall right down the back side of the hill.

I wish I wish I wish I had caught it on video so you would have a visual to this story. I have never laughed so hard in my entire life. This poor guy gets up all snow covered, hands cupped over his injury and without saying a word, limps back into the bar.

The rest of us went down a few more times. I crashed on a ride toward the end and bashed my head into a big rock of ice/snow. It was funny to be sure but not nearly as funny as D getting his rocks bashed and falling down the snow mountain. Ahhh….winter fun.